SMART Words
Words are the primary way to communicate meaning. So, let’s learn to say what we mean and mean what we say. Without being mean….!
SMART Summary
If the saying is true, a picture is worth a thousand words, maybe words aren’t the most effective, definitely not the most “efficient” way, but still a great way to communicate with someone – if they speak the same language (more on that below…).
Let’s jump in… SMART Words are those that:
Share How We Feel
Sometime soon, try sharing the information that’s on your mind, but add “…and that makes me feel….” Maybe it’s something like: “I heard you say…and I don’t know why you said that, and it made me feel (confused, hurt, surprised, mad, scared, etc.) That’s a SMART way to share information while also creating a way to stay connected. Of course, if the reply is, “who cares how you feel?” it might just be time to move on to another friend.
Make Others Feel Comfortable
There’s a lot of benefits to making it a goal to make others feel comfortable. Easy to say, hard to do. It requires effort and understanding, not a frequent combination most of the time. But hey – YOU are learning how to live SMART, not them, so you have the freedom to go the extra mile in how you choose to communicate.
And since you are the SMART Life one, that means you learn to speak their language. That’s the effort part – investing time to learn about personality types, communication styles, love languages. These concepts all illustrate the same point: we can use commonly understood words, but not have any idea what the other person actually means. Might as well be speaking Greek.
Aren’t Accusing
Share how you feel or what you need without accusing the other person. You don’t know their thoughts, their motivation – most of us don’t know our own reasons for why we say or do what we do. Learn to express what’s happening in you, and let others do the same.
Adding, “I don’t know why you did/said that, please tell me” gets you past making an accusation.
Relate Value
Really SMART words relate the value we have for someone, instead of only giving information or just expressing our needs. It sounds something like, “and it matters to me because you’re a great friend”, or “…because I wouldn’t want to lose you as a friend.”
Touch A Heart
Talk to their heart, not to their head. Our head is logic, our heart is beliefs and emotions. It’s another way to make the points about SMART words, think about it as talking to their heart. A lot of times when we’re upset, there’s a disconnect between what we think and how we feel. It’s smarter to focus on connecting with someone’s heart.
DUMB words are those that:
Don’t Say How We Feel
Yikes! Taking time to talk about all kinds of topics and leaving a data dump, without saying how you feel, doesn’t leave much room to connect. Smart Words have gotta say more than just info or you’ll be stuck by yourself.
Undervalue People
There’s always a trade-off between the person and the topic. “Win the battle, but lose the war” and “You can be right, or you can be connected” are expressions that come to mind. The SMART way is to keep a higher value for people than for topics. You can still be connected with a person without agreeing on everything, but if your focus is only on topics it will sound more like win or lose.
Make It All About Me
This is kind of a popular one around here, applied to a lot of things. In this case, making it all about me is basically the anti-SMART way to go. See the SMART pointers to help you here.
Belittle Instead Of Build Up
If you grew up in an environment where belittling was a primary use of words, you’ve probably already come to the conclusion on your own that it’s not SMART. Belittling, tearing down, criticizing, and making fun of may have a limited use for motivating or coaching, but they don’t provide any real path to follow.
