If it's true that a picture is worth a thousand words, then maybe words aren't the most efficient way to communicate. But they're still a great way — provided the other person speaks the same language. More on that below.
SMART words
Share how we feel
Sometime soon, try sharing the information that's on your mind, but add "…and that makes me feel…"
Maybe it's something like: "I heard you say that, and I don't know why you said it, and it made me feel confused." That's a smart way to share information while also creating a way to stay connected.
Of course, if the reply is "who cares how you feel?" — it might just be time to move on to another friend.
Make others feel comfortable
There are a lot of benefits to making it a goal to help others feel comfortable. Easy to say, hard to do. It requires effort and understanding, which aren't a frequent combination.
But you're the one learning to live smart, not them, so you have the freedom to go the extra mile in how you choose to communicate. And that means learning to speak their language. That's the effort part — investing time to learn about personality types, communication styles, love languages.
These concepts all illustrate the same point: we can use commonly understood words and still have no idea what the other person actually means.
Aren't accusing
Share how you feel or what you need without accusing the other person.
You don't know their thoughts or their motivation. Most of us don't even know our own reasons for why we say or do what we do. Learn to express what's happening in you, and let others do the same.
Adding "I don't know why you did that — please tell me" gets you past making an accusation.
Relate value
Really smart words relate the value we have for someone, instead of only giving information or expressing our needs.
It sounds something like: "and it matters to me because you're a great friend," or "because I wouldn't want to lose you as a friend."
Touch a heart
Talk to their heart, not to their head. Our head is logic; our heart is beliefs and emotions.
A lot of the time when we're upset, there's a disconnect between what we think and how we feel. It's smarter to focus on connecting with someone's heart.
DUMB words
Don't say how we feel
Taking time to talk about all kinds of topics and leaving a data dump, without ever saying how you feel, doesn't leave much room to connect.
Smart words have to say more than just information, or you'll be stuck by yourself.
Undervalue people
There's always a trade-off between the person and the topic. "Win the battle, lose the war." "You can be right, or you can be connected."
The smart way is to keep a higher value for people than for topics. You can still be connected with a person without agreeing on everything — but if your focus is only on topics, it will sound more like win or lose.
Make it all about me
This one shows up in a lot of places. In this case, making it all about me is basically the anti-smart way to go.
Belittle instead of build up
If you grew up in an environment where belittling was a primary use of words, you've probably already concluded on your own that it isn't smart.
Belittling, tearing down, criticizing, and making fun of people may have a limited use for motivating or coaching, but they don't provide any real path to follow.