What does "friend" mean to you? Most of the time, a true friend is someone who understands you. Isn't it great to have a friend who finishes your sentences, anticipates what you need, and lets you do the same for them?
A smart friendship is built on understanding. So your goal in communicating should be to understand first. Evaluate, question, or defend your perspective second, third, fourth — or maybe not at all.
SMART friend
Show it
You get more points for actions than intentions.
Shared feelings, high empathy and basic sympathy are great, necessary, and in dire short supply. If that comes naturally to you, good — we need you. But the rest of us don't connect as easily, don't give you the benefit of the doubt the way you do for us, and need it to be more obvious.
Show what you feel, and show that you understand what they feel. There are lots of ways to do this. The best is to learn about love languages and say it the way it'll actually be understood.
Make the first move
This is the friend section, not dating. I'm just talking about being prepared to go first to make a new friend.
The easiest subject for most people to talk about is themselves. Have a couple of easy questions in mind — "what's your favorite…" or "when was one of your most fun memories?" — and jump in. Just be prepared to answer too. It's a two-way street.
Actively listen
That's a fancy way of saying pay attention.
The time to practice the "actively" part is when the other person is talking. You're actively listening, not actively thinking about your opinion or your next point.
The next thing you say should be directly related to the last thing they said. That's how you — and they — know you're actually listening.
Respect
There's a trigger word for a lot of us.
The most basic point: respect has to be given, not taken. The Smart way to be respected is to respect the people around you.
Take less than you give
It's like a bank account. There has to be a positive balance to make a withdrawal.
Of course you should be able to count on a friend coming through for you, and I'm not talking about keeping score. Just make it your secret goal to give more than you take, and you'll be fine.
DUMB things that ruin friendships
Don't give
What you need in a friendship is a relationship — an exchange.
It's a circle, not a one-way street.
Uncaring
If you're really burnt out on some bad friend experiences, it can be next to impossible to keep caring. You likely just want to be cared about.
The best things in life are received, not taken. Maybe take some time to care about something other than people — nature, art, a pet, a book. Find something to replenish your ability to care, then take a risk and give it to someone new.
That's a smart way to get back to caring about others and being willing to give.
Misunderstanding
If your goal isn't to understand first, you'll make a habit of misunderstanding most of the time.
Make an effort to understand — not to assume, guess, or base everything on the past. Understanding happens best in the present.
Before
Focusing on what happened before keeps you from living in the present.
If you hear the word "before" in your head a lot, you're probably spending too much time in the past. Time to jump back into the present.
Start over with the first step: learn to communicate better by making it your goal to understand first and respond later.