You might have heard the expression "good things come to those who wait," which I'm all for in terms of having patience. But what if you are waiting for the wrong thing? How would you know?
What we expect matters, like an internal magnet pulling things toward us — or pushing them away — based on our internal world. That may sound a little metaphysical, mainly because it is. There's lots of evidence that life is not limited to what we see, hear, touch, taste and smell.
At the very least there's our imagination, where we can experience things that aren't "real" as in actually happening at the moment, but that still affect our emotions and our physiology. Ever been to the movies? You've just been sitting in a chair for an hour, essentially staring, but you've experienced a wide range of thoughts, feelings and emotions, drawn conclusions, created or changed your beliefs. In a similar way, what we expect affects us and changes our internal world.
SMART expectations
Start with something good
If we even halfway believe that what we expect matters, why would we expect something bad? Makes no sense.
Now, I didn't say "hard," or "difficult," or even "different." Those types of things are a necessary part of life. But why expect something bad? If you catch yourself with the expectation that something will likely go wrong, take a minute, take some notes, and keep reading.
Make it intentional
You might be thinking, "Well, sometimes I expect something good, sometimes something bad. I don't know why." That's a great thought. Makes you wonder what the difference is.
In all that internal swirl of thoughts, emotions, memories, and looking ahead, we all have varying degrees of expecting good and bad. Maybe we just don't take much time to wonder why. And maybe we don't think about the possibility of being intentional about which is which, or why.
Consider the possibility that you have the capability to attach good or bad expectations on purpose. A lot of the time it happens unintentionally, but you can also learn to be intentional.
Assume — what?
So what should your assumptions be? What should you assume about a given topic?
The answer: assume nothing. Nothing. It's not smart to go through life operating on the level of assumption. "Oh I don't know, I just assume…" It only takes a little bit of effort to be smarter than that.
Now, don't go all "question everything, trust no one" about it. Just take some time and ask yourself, "why do I think that?" It might be a great reason. The point isn't to throw everything out. The point is to understand why, and move up from living on assumptions.
Realize the difference
Having started to answer the question of "why do I think this?" you'll hopefully realize the difference it makes to live intentionally.
It's a much better foundation to be in favor of something and know why you believe it, than to assume one way or another and not know why. It's a good difference — it's a big difference. Since you can pick between not knowing and knowing, why not live knowing why?
Trust your instincts
"Whoa, wait a minute. Didn't you just say don't assume anything? What's with the flip-flopping?" Good question. Let me explain.
Assumptions are things we think without knowing why. It's about the thinking part. There's a deeper level than thinking. It's been expressed and diagrammed in different ways, but usually something like: beliefs influence feelings, which influence emotions, which influence actions, which determine results. Belief, then emotion, then choice, then outcome. Either way, the point is that assumptions live at the level of actions.
Why are we acting without knowing why? There are at least two other levels before what we decide to do: how we feel about something, and what we believe about it.
So back to instincts. Instincts might seem like an assumption, but knowing why is a big difference. Instincts are working when you say "I just knew." Maybe you did something, made a choice without fully understanding, but you knew it was the thing to do — you didn't do it haphazardly with a shrug. It's the knowing part that makes the difference. You believed it, which is the first level. Not "well, I just thought." No, you knew. You believed it enough to affect your emotions and take action, maybe in an instant, pretty much automatically.
Here's the point: your instincts are important. Don't let other people mess with your instincts, telling you that something you believe is right is actually wrong. Unless it's been harshly overruled and re-wired to believe the opposite, you know right from wrong, you know good from bad. It's given to you in your instincts.
DUMB things that wreck your expectations
Doubting everything
"Well, I just don't know." "I doubt it." "Probably isn't going to happen." "It's likely to not turn out good." "I tried once, but failed." (There's a separate post on how to have a smart fail.)
Doubting is expecting things backwards. The truth is it works both ways — what we expect comes our way. Which is what makes constant doubt such a bad habit.
Take time to work through questions and what-ifs, yes. But always reaching the conclusion that it's not going to work is different. I think you know what I mean.
Underestimating everything
Yes, it's easier to underestimate. To leave some room, have a margin for error. Maybe that's your definition of being smart. But we're talking about living life here, not managing a timeline or a project budget. And we're talking about you, not everyone else.
The thing is, if you get in the habit of underestimating yourself to play it safe, you'll never discover what you're capable of. Failing isn't the worst thing — it's just finding your limit. So what?
Instead of "I tried and failed," why not "I tried and this is how far I made it"? If someone else went further, good for them. It's only truly failing when you talk yourself out of trying. Everything else is just degrees of success.
Marginalizing everything
You know what a margin is: the space around the printed matter on a page. It's the blank space. The place where nothing happens. The border around what is important.
So to marginalize is to push something to the edge. To push it out of what matters and into the blank space.
Your friend asks, "When are you going to…" You say, "I don't know, what does it matter?" — which has been your same answer on auto-repeat for a while now. That's marginalizing. Pushing it into the blank space.
Demonizing everything
Demonizing everything, or worse everyone, isn't helping your expectations. Getting into the habit of assuming and assigning the worst motives puts you back into living on the level of assumption.
The vast majority of us have good days and bad days. We get mad, we get sad, we get overwhelmed, we get afraid — all for a thousand reasons we may or may not be aware of or understand. There are only a relative few who are truly out to destroy, tear down and hurt people. Probably best to avoid them.
But for the rest of us, it's not smart to assume motives, assign blame, and accuse in a way that leaves no room for a re-do. Maybe it was just their mistake. Maybe you can provide a path to redemption. It would be worth finding out before relegating them to a non-human category.